I’m a sex therapist. I talk to people all day long about sex.  And, when it all boils down to it, my job is to help women have inspired vaginas and men, capable penises. Women want to feel inspired to have sex, and men want to be able to have sex. 

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I have had thousands of conversations about sex over the years with all kinds of people. People just like you and me. Regular people. People from many faiths, professions, political affiliations, generations, races, sexual orientations, gender identities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and with varying relationship styles and statuses. These conversations happen each day in my sex therapy practice, on radio and television interviews I may do, in the workshops I teach and the speaking engagements I have. These conversations happen with friends too, and at the market, and the hair salon, or on an airplane. Pretty much anywhere. And, these stories I hear and the conversations I have are told in as many forms and fashions as there are people sharing them. 

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People tell me everything about their sex lives. We talk about sexual turn on’s and turn off’s, about relationships that are uninspired in and out of the bedroom, about hopes and wishes for sex and love and connection and the difficulties with all of it. We talk about loneliness, vulnerability, shame, and lack of joy and desire. I hear about orgasms and erections, painful vaginas and flaccid penises, sexual likes and dislikes, fantasies and foibles and traumas and fears. We talk about insecurities with how we look and how we love. We talk about why and how each one of these things can leave us feeling unwilling and unable to have the sex we want. 

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Over the years, I’ve jotted down thoughts and questions,  and observations and reflections that resonated with me from many of these conversations and stories. These notes were very informal, just for me, and written on anything that was handy at the time. I never had the thought that I would publish any of it, so over the years, notes have been scattered here and there and everywhere. In preparation for a different book project, I began finding and gathering many of the notes, past and present, and reading them as a collection. It dawned on me that you might enjoy reading them too.

 

This book reflects shared truths within and among all the stories I’ve heard and the conversations I’ve had about sex. I was tempted to elaborate on these notes but, I decided to leave them in their original, raw form. This way, you get to decide what they mean to you, in your life and in your relationships. You get to decide if and how and in what way the thoughts and questions apply and resonate with you. You pick the insight. Flip-flop and substitute pronouns where ever you want. Make it your own. Tie them into your own personal story. Use them to challenge and expand your narrative about sex and intimacy. 

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This book is meant to remind us that we are not alone. We all have thoughts, questions, insecurities, and proclivities around sex and intimacy. We’re all trying to figure this stuff out and do the best we can with very little guidance and permission for sexual pleasure. Combine that with a ton of myths and misinformation, and we can’t help but find ourselves feeling lost and confused, and uninspired and incapable from time to time. 

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I hope you enjoy this book and use it to start and have conversations about sex and intimacy with yourself, your friends and your beloved!